Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
