i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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