You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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