do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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