Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
