I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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