Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
