i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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