i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
