a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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