I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
