I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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