i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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