Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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