So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
