everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I want to be your penis for a week.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
