I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize