Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
