It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
