dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
