If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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