I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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