she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely