I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.