Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
