You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
