so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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