Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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