Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
