The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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