it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
