God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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