She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize