He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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