Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
