Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
