Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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