we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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