Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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