Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
