I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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