My friends, they love my intelligence
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
