If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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