I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
