Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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