my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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