Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
