textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
