the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
