walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
