my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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