Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
