blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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