Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
