I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am one with the molecules
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
