I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
