haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
